okay... i didn't go to my aunt's baptism... i stayed home and watched Buffy The Vampire Slayer on VCD... i plead guilty for lying or changing my mind... whichever you guys wanna believe i did... the thing is that she didn't know that i was supposed to come right? anyway my mum didn't keep her promise, she said she was gonna drive me there and i wanted to go with my grandma but she said that my uncle was already downstairs waiting and i was still in the clothes that i slept in... and i stank...
so i didnt do much today... just sat in front if the tv and watched my Buffy The Vampire Slayer season 3... got a couple more VCDs to go before i finish watching the season, and on to the saving up to buy the next season!!!! And i have to look for season 2 first so i don't watch all the seasons but season 2 where so many things happen...
i hate the standing fan in my room, with that stupid net covering it... it's so bloody filthy and annoyingly smelly now... i'm gonna throw it away tomorrow, dunno what my mum put it there for... i mean the thing is gonna collect dust anyway, so i'll just clean it with the baby wipes that are oh so cheap... they're like a dollar twenty for a BIIIIGG packet... i don't hate the standing fan. i just hate it with the net on...
something is seriously wrong with the cd reader in this laptop... it can't read ANY cds!!!! officially freaking out right now!!!! damn!!! i'm gonna be so screwed if my mum finds out... bloody hell how am i gonna fix this? it's like i can't tell anyone or they'll tell my mum and like... it's so annoying... that i can't tell my mum anything...
okay so let me try a few music cds, and dvds.... nope it's not freakin working... i mean i used the laptop to rip some of my cds few days ago and it was fine... now it's bloody screwed up!!!! OMG i'm gonna cry...!!!! :'(
i mean i dunno what happened!!! Oh gosh i'm so screwed if my course needs me to put a cd into my laptop to like download a program and it's not bloody working...!!!! ow my head hurts from all the worrying...!!!! CD detector why have you failed me??!!!
i don't feel much like a teenager... i feel like a bloody grown up, or a kid... i'm neither here nor there you know? i'm freakishly like my mum and i'm this totally uninformed seventeen year old who knows nothing about relationships... it's not like i've been in a proper one ya know...? i mean i don't want to be a whore, or a tramp, or a slut... but for once i'd like to be taken care of by someone else...
i dunno if this is insecurity...? or is it just me obsessing with boys/guys/dudes again... i locked away my heart from most of the world so that no one can ever know how much i had been hurt by my first bf that practically no one knew about except a few people whom i trust... and a couple of people i've had a falling out with... i dunno what to do when i like a guy... and if he likes me i dunno how to go about making that first move you know? it sucks... literally... not knowing what to do, how to act, who to talk to and what to wear...
i mean i dunno if i'll ever make new friends, or if i'll get a bf, or if i'll ever get over not being cared for by a special someone... maybe i'm PMS-ing again, or is it just the way i'm feeling again? i got mixed emotions about going for the orienteering and starting school now... i wish there was a someone special whom i could talk to... i know nikki and gen and everybody else are like the greatest friends a girl can ever have, but sometimes i'd want someone else... and it's that someone who gives me that warm fuzzy feeling, that dizzy daydream and the butterflies in my stomach... somehow, i've managed to meet a couple of guys even though i've been in a convent for ten years and there was only that one guy who made me feel all that... after that, i think i've become numb... it's like i can't tell or i can't feel anymore... it's like i've become so numb because i was hurt so deeply... it's like what they say: the first cut is the deepest... and i know exactly what they meant... i can't feel all the butterflies or the fuzzy feeling anymore... in that aspect i've just gone so numb...
enough emo-ing for one post. i'll check in tomorrow night... in 24 hours...
